Friday,
September 2, 2011
Today I lost my temper. Boy I hate when that happens. It is usually
something stupid that sets it off. Today I am tired, I woke up last night and
thought about what would happen to me and my precious grandchild if my husband
died. I know, morbid. But, would I be able to support this little one? If we
had custody, then there would be the s.s. for the both of us. I am working on
my degree and hopefully that will enable me to get a good job, but really, at
my age? Then there is the anxiety sweats that hit out of nowhere. I am working on giving it all to God, yet
being human, and knowing He takes His time in answering prayer, I still get
uptight. Knowing something and making your body and mind be subject to the
knowledge is tricky.
So what is God trying to teach me in all this? That He is in control? I know that. To trust Him? Probably. The problem is I sometimes just plain don't want to go through the learning process. It's down right painful. I want to relax and enjoy life. I want to sit and read a book. I want to go ride a horse, weed a garden, clean my house, and not think about the what ifs of life. I want to know that there isn't going to be drama in my life today because of someone else's choices. I want to ask for help and then get the help I've asked for and not be conveniently "forgotten." But until this world becomes perfect I guess that isn't going to happen, and so I better just learn to control the crabbies and enjoy what I have. I need to do the right thing today and then I won't have to live with regrets tomorrow. So, I will suck it up, apologize for losing it and try to avoid falling into the same trap again. When I ask for help I will emphasize the problem as a trigger for the crabbies, so beware of its importance. All I can do is keep keeping on and hope I improve with age.
So what is God trying to teach me in all this? That He is in control? I know that. To trust Him? Probably. The problem is I sometimes just plain don't want to go through the learning process. It's down right painful. I want to relax and enjoy life. I want to sit and read a book. I want to go ride a horse, weed a garden, clean my house, and not think about the what ifs of life. I want to know that there isn't going to be drama in my life today because of someone else's choices. I want to ask for help and then get the help I've asked for and not be conveniently "forgotten." But until this world becomes perfect I guess that isn't going to happen, and so I better just learn to control the crabbies and enjoy what I have. I need to do the right thing today and then I won't have to live with regrets tomorrow. So, I will suck it up, apologize for losing it and try to avoid falling into the same trap again. When I ask for help I will emphasize the problem as a trigger for the crabbies, so beware of its importance. All I can do is keep keeping on and hope I improve with age.
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