Tuesday,
October 18, 2011
It has been ages since I posted. Finishing up
the horse show season with my youngest daughter, getting my course work for
college done, struggling to keep up on my house and yard work-- not to mention
all my wishful desires to ride myself. . . well it just cannot all be done.
Physically impossible. I really don't know how I ever did what I used to be
able to get accomplished when my kids were young and I did daycare besides. I
do know for one, I cannot stay up consistently until 2-3 a.m. every night and
function as I did back then. Instead I am wasted and a crab. So, less gets
done, that is the verdict.
I set out to enjoy these last horse shows with my daughter, and although I did, I came away a bit feeling tossed aside. She and I have had such a close relationship that as she left me standing holding the bills for food, gas, and class fees, I felt . . . well, used. I know at almost 20 she is growing up and making her own way, but I had thought we would have some girl time together without having to focus on a 2 year old also (my grandchild, left with grandpa at home), but no, she was off with friends enjoying HER shows and fun. Now at first I was angry, but as I have processed this, I have decided that as an adult she is entitled to go her own way. But, then I also don't have to be so involved with it all either. Don't get me wrong, it was all good fun, innocent and horse related, visiting and conversations between campers and childhood friends, so it isn't like she is off rebelling or anything, just off without me with the other girls. Now to give her a break, having her sister's child in our lives the past 2+ years and living in our home for the last year, has actually caused our time together to be less and less. So she has adapted- as well as helped in a way that I find unbelievable for someone not yet 20 years old. I need to lighten up on her.
Maybe my relationship with her is all I wanted with a daughter and more. Make up for what I lost with my oldest. What a heavy burden to place on a child. She has done well. Not only has she become a caring Auntie, she is a wonderful daughter to her Daddy and me and a sweet young woman through and through. It does make it hard to let go and let her have her wings without running behind with a net trying to be sure she is safe, continues to make the kinds of decisions she has up to now, etc, etc. But- I must.
Today I am determining to let her go entirely free into adulthood. She has been such a blessing in my life, and I realize a beautiful butterfly cannot fly if I am holding onto it with a clenched hand, so fly my beauty fly. I am trusting that my gracious heavenly Father who gave her to me to love and raise into the daughter/young woman she has become, will continue to do His good work in her.
Philippians 1: 6-11 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."
© Copyright 2011
I set out to enjoy these last horse shows with my daughter, and although I did, I came away a bit feeling tossed aside. She and I have had such a close relationship that as she left me standing holding the bills for food, gas, and class fees, I felt . . . well, used. I know at almost 20 she is growing up and making her own way, but I had thought we would have some girl time together without having to focus on a 2 year old also (my grandchild, left with grandpa at home), but no, she was off with friends enjoying HER shows and fun. Now at first I was angry, but as I have processed this, I have decided that as an adult she is entitled to go her own way. But, then I also don't have to be so involved with it all either. Don't get me wrong, it was all good fun, innocent and horse related, visiting and conversations between campers and childhood friends, so it isn't like she is off rebelling or anything, just off without me with the other girls. Now to give her a break, having her sister's child in our lives the past 2+ years and living in our home for the last year, has actually caused our time together to be less and less. So she has adapted- as well as helped in a way that I find unbelievable for someone not yet 20 years old. I need to lighten up on her.
Maybe my relationship with her is all I wanted with a daughter and more. Make up for what I lost with my oldest. What a heavy burden to place on a child. She has done well. Not only has she become a caring Auntie, she is a wonderful daughter to her Daddy and me and a sweet young woman through and through. It does make it hard to let go and let her have her wings without running behind with a net trying to be sure she is safe, continues to make the kinds of decisions she has up to now, etc, etc. But- I must.
Today I am determining to let her go entirely free into adulthood. She has been such a blessing in my life, and I realize a beautiful butterfly cannot fly if I am holding onto it with a clenched hand, so fly my beauty fly. I am trusting that my gracious heavenly Father who gave her to me to love and raise into the daughter/young woman she has become, will continue to do His good work in her.
Philippians 1: 6-11 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."
© Copyright 2011
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