Friday,
September 30, 2011
I believe it is the choices we make in life
that determine who we become. Daily we are faced with choices. We believe some
are inconsequential, what to eat, wear, read, post as our FB status, or do for
the day. The big decisions, which house to buy, how to balance our household
budget, which job offer to accept. . . these we sweat over. But I have been
thinking that all decisions actually have a part in making us. If we eat
healthy, we have more energy. If we dress in a manner that causes distraction,
or in a classy put together fashion, we influence our environment and our self-image.
It all comes down to whether we feel we are accountable to anyone for our
decisions, and whether we care enough to pay attention to how our decisions affect
others.
Maybe it is because I have been in the position of caregiver for the past 30 years that it matters to me. After all, every move I make, word I say, and choice I make is being watched. by someone I love and care about. Someone I am in the position to influence. And then there is God. Sometimes the things He calls me to do, the decisions He presents me with cause me anguish. I would like to be selfish and do what I want to do, not think about someone else. Can't I just once do only what I want to do? Does everything have to be contingent on how the decision affects everyone around me? I chose to go back to school for me. Now I have been called to parent again and it is difficult at times to justify the time away from home and money I am spending on myself. Not to mention, not being able to get all the household, animal, and yard work done. Finally, I choose to pursue something for myself and find it has complicated my life in addition to providing me with enjoyment. Questions: Is the enjoyment worth the added problems of needing childcare? Is it right to take time away from my responsibilities to pursue the personal desire of advanced education if I will now probably not gain employment because I am parenting again (because I don't want a child in day care every day). Is it worth the lack of sleep and painful late nights of course work because that is the only option for getting papers and studying done? At this stage of my life, does it really matter if I do something specifically for me? What will I gain since I am in my 50s? Hard questions to answer. Yet for so long I have lived to make others lives better, helped them reach their potential while putting my dreams and desires on hold.
I guess the answer to it all is: Because I am who I am, I couldn't say no to loving and caring for a precious human being. Because I am who I am I chose to put everyone else first and reach for their dreams, if I can do that and also pursue my dream of a degree and working toward my Masters I will continue. . . if I can't I will have to once again put my desires aside and put others before myself. Does that make me some kind of a hero? NO, it only means I am who I am because of the choices I make. And in all of the deciding I have to be who I am. And I believe
Maybe it is because I have been in the position of caregiver for the past 30 years that it matters to me. After all, every move I make, word I say, and choice I make is being watched. by someone I love and care about. Someone I am in the position to influence. And then there is God. Sometimes the things He calls me to do, the decisions He presents me with cause me anguish. I would like to be selfish and do what I want to do, not think about someone else. Can't I just once do only what I want to do? Does everything have to be contingent on how the decision affects everyone around me? I chose to go back to school for me. Now I have been called to parent again and it is difficult at times to justify the time away from home and money I am spending on myself. Not to mention, not being able to get all the household, animal, and yard work done. Finally, I choose to pursue something for myself and find it has complicated my life in addition to providing me with enjoyment. Questions: Is the enjoyment worth the added problems of needing childcare? Is it right to take time away from my responsibilities to pursue the personal desire of advanced education if I will now probably not gain employment because I am parenting again (because I don't want a child in day care every day). Is it worth the lack of sleep and painful late nights of course work because that is the only option for getting papers and studying done? At this stage of my life, does it really matter if I do something specifically for me? What will I gain since I am in my 50s? Hard questions to answer. Yet for so long I have lived to make others lives better, helped them reach their potential while putting my dreams and desires on hold.
I guess the answer to it all is: Because I am who I am, I couldn't say no to loving and caring for a precious human being. Because I am who I am I chose to put everyone else first and reach for their dreams, if I can do that and also pursue my dream of a degree and working toward my Masters I will continue. . . if I can't I will have to once again put my desires aside and put others before myself. Does that make me some kind of a hero? NO, it only means I am who I am because of the choices I make. And in all of the deciding I have to be who I am. And I believe
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4).
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