Grandparenting With Grace: The beginning of heart break

A continuation of the writings from those beginning years of heart break. (It's been 16 years now and I am still waiting and praying.)

It hurts!  It hurts!

I just want it to stop.

This pain in my heart.

This knot in my soul.

It hurts!  It hurts!

I can’t be a part of something she doesn’t want to share.

The pain won’t stop!

I cannot hide.

Sometimes it’s so intense

I wish I would just die.

My heartache won’t cease.

I can’t get away!

I cry!  I scream!  I pray!

No matter, it won’t go away.

Go away, go away, go away.

Wish I could, but there is nowhere to go

To escape the pain.

It follows me, haunts me,

Day after day.

How can one live with rejection?

Christ didn’t—

He died because of it.

I now know how he felt.

Sometimes I’d like to trade this rejection for death.

But there was victory after Christ’s death--

In the resurrection.

I’m waiting for the victory.

It’s been promised.

So I will live,

If only for His victory

And the resurrection of a life lost

That will again be found.

I had a daughter once, but she went away,

Told me she didn’t love me—I wasn’t her mother any more.

I am slowly beginning to believe it.

She never calls or writes.

It’s like I never existed for her.

But wasn’t it just yesterday

I held her to my breast and satisfied her cries?

Why can’t I comfort her anymore?

Why does she need things I can’t provide?

Maybe it was all a dream

And I never really did exist for her.

I WANTED

All I ever wanted was to love you.

To brush your hair,

Hear you laugh,

Kiss you goodnight.

Enjoy your friends,

Give you hugs,

Watch you become an adult.

I never wanted you

To hate me

Or feel unloved.

Or, hurt you in any way.

I guess wanting isn’t enough.

No one ever showed me how to do these things

And I have failed.

But I so wanted…..

I wish I knew if you ever cried—

Or needed me.

I wish I knew if you ever even—

Thought of me.

You see, you’re on my mind—

Every moment.

I even dream of you.

Did you know I miss you?

But when I see you—

I don’t even know who you are.

I remember a different girl—

One with smiling eyes

And laughter.

You were so excited about life then—

What you were doing,

Where you were going.

When I look at you I don’t see her any more.

Do you know where that girl went?

I’d like to talk to her.

You see—

I love her and have so much to share with her

.

If you see her—my girl—

Could you tell her

to come home?

© Copyright 2010

Grandparenting with Grace:So Ungraceful Am I

It's been a tough six months, although the stress level has dropped considerably since my father died last month. Oh, I miss him. But, now I can breathe a sigh of relief. He is Home. At peace. Yes all those cliches- they are true. Jesus has welcomed him home. I cannot grieve too much. You see, his pain is gone. He can walk again. I truly believe I will see him again. I have learned so much from this experience and from my father. A man who had such a lack of self-control became a master of self-control.  People do change. We must change with them and love them as they change. Grace and Forgiveness. I pray others will offer that to me. I am such a failure at being who I should be. God help me. I cannot do it alone. Life is brief, help me live as You will.

Grandparenting with Grace: Five-minute Friday promt- Adore

Meeting up here for the final Five minute Friday of 2014. The prompt tonight is **Adore**

Adore- a word not often used in my world. The dictionary defines adore as:
love and respect (someone) deeply;
worship; venerate

 I have respected many people, yet I have not adored them. I have to my knowledge never worshiped or "venerated" anyone on purpose; at least not in the flesh. On purpose. With for-thought and effort.

Yet, perhaps it has appeared I have worshiped -my husband, my children, my own efforts, my interests. But that adoration falls flat. It is of no substance.

I wrote and read the tribute at my father's funeral this past Monday, I grew to love and respect him through his suffering. But adore, worship, venerate? No. But to watch as my father drew close to the end of this earthly existence and reached out to the promise of eternity- now that is cause for adoration and veneration. Come let us adore Him. Him the provider of our faith. Him the realization of the promise of life everlasting. Yes-- "O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD, God our maker."   Psalms 95:6

Grandparenting with Grace: Five Minute Friday prompt PREPARE

Linking up here with the FMF bunch (KateMoraung) where we write for five minutes on a given prompt. Tonight's prompt is prepare.

I am/have been preparing for my Dad's visitation and funeral over this past week. It was postponed so my son, his first grandson, could be present. I have planned the funeral and prepared the funeral bulletin. I have written an obituary. I have prepared a prayer service for the Visitation and will help lead it. I am now trying to prepare a eulogy for the funeral service per my father's request.

Prepare. Are we ever prepared for death? I prayed it would come as he wished-as he slept. He and I talked -prepared. For death. He wanted heaven and all God's splendor, yet was torn with staying here for us. He had prepared by making all his funeral arrangements. He had bought a cemetery plot. He talked about picking out a headstone, but we never made it that far. He had his hymns and old-tyme country gospel songs picked out. He wanted to be pain free.

 He asked God to accept him as he was, imperfect, with regrets, weak and unable to come on his own strength. And God said,  "Do not let your heart be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. ⁴ You know the way to the place where I am going.” (John 14: 1-4)

Grandparenting with Grace: Mistletoe?

This year was going to be "different". We began doing the Advent devotional "The Greatest Gift" Coloring the ornaments to decorate our Jesse Tree. I had cut down on the secular ornaments and concentrated on my many Holy Family pieces. I was going to soak in the true Reason for the Season with my 5 year old grand-daughter.

However, God always has another plan. My father has been struggling with health issues. The past 3 months have been grueling as he has moved from hospital, to transitional care, to an assisted living facility. It's his last move that has rocked our plans though. My Daddy will be spending this Christmas with Jesus. Singing with the Heavenly Hosts. As we here, left behind, do our best to honor him with a beautiful Funeral Service. He is truly happier where he now resides; nothing can compare. We will see him again. But still, our hearts hurt. Our days lengthen with sadness. We reach for the phone-then stop. The Christmas decorations sit, spilling out of storage tubs as we put the details of saying goodbye to our father in order. The house looks like the walls have exploded inward, spewing debris from one end to the other. And I. . . I am having trouble focusing on any given task. Just walking in circles it seems, logging miles but gaining no ground. Yet, doing so much that is needed. And how does one grieve when you are happy there is no more pain and your father has a body made whole by faith in Christ? It's the Holidays of Mistletoe, but it's Bittersweet.

Grandparenting with Grace: Five Minute Friday-Dear

Tonight's Five Minute Friday Prompt is Dear.

Oh Dear Death. Oh Dear God.  Oh Dear. It is about all I can say. When a loved one is failing, is dying, is suffering-What is there to hold on to?
Dear God!!!!
And that is about all.
All you need.
 All you want.
But. Dear. God.
Come.

Yes, Dear God come. Take my father in your arms. Wrap him safe and comfort him.
We will grieve-but we already are, please Dear God welcome him.

Dear God help me to see You in this. Dear God subdue the enemy of my father--pain.
Dear God smite the second guessing regarding care, medications, fulfilling wishes.
Oh Dear God!! Hear.

Grandparenting with Grace: Caughht in the Middle

So, Yeah, that's definitely it; life is Hard. I won't ever sugar coat it again. Life is hard. My father is dying. (I can sob all I want, no one is there to hold me.) And my darling grand-daughter can feel the stress. Add that to Sensory issues and what do you get? Happiness? Hahahahahaha. So i will suck it up. And be a good soldier.