Saturday, March 14, 2015

Grandparenting With Grace: The beginning of heart break

A continuation of the writings from those beginning years of heart break. (It's been 16 years now and I am still waiting and praying.)

It hurts!  It hurts!
I just want it to stop.
This pain in my heart.
This knot in my soul.
It hurts!  It hurts!
I can’t be a part of something she doesn’t want to share.

The pain won’t stop!
I cannot hide.
Sometimes it’s so intense
I wish I would just die.

My heartache won’t cease.
I can’t get away!
I cry!  I scream!  I pray!

No matter, it won’t go away.
Go away, go away, go away.

Wish I could, but there is nowhere to go
To escape the pain.
It follows me, haunts me,
Day after day.

How can one live with rejection?
Christ didn’t—
He died because of it.
I now know how he felt.
Sometimes I’d like to trade this rejection for death.
But there was victory after Christ’s death--
In the resurrection.
I’m waiting for the victory.
It’s been promised.
So I will live,
If only for His victory
And the resurrection of a life lost
That will again be found.

I had a daughter once, but she went away,
Told me she didn’t love me—I wasn’t her mother any more.
I am slowly beginning to believe it.
She never calls or writes.
It’s like I never existed for her.
But wasn’t it just yesterday
I held her to my breast and satisfied her cries?
Why can’t I comfort her anymore?
Why does she need things I can’t provide?
Maybe it was all a dream
And I never really did exist for her.


All I ever wanted was to love you.
To brush your hair,
Hear you laugh,
Kiss you goodnight.
Enjoy your friends,
Give you hugs,
Watch you become an adult.
I never wanted you
To hate me
Or feel unloved.
Or, hurt you in any way.
I guess wanting isn’t enough.
No one ever showed me how to do these things
And I have failed.
But I so wanted…..

I wish I knew if you ever cried—
Or needed me.

I wish I knew if you ever even—
Thought of me.

You see, you’re on my mind—
Every moment.
I even dream of you.

Did you know I miss you?
But when I see you—
I don’t even know who you are.

I remember a different girl—
One with smiling eyes
And laughter.

You were so excited about life then—
What you were doing,
Where you were going.
When I look at you I don’t see her any more.

Do you know where that girl went?
I’d like to talk to her.

You see—
I love her and have so much to share with her
If you see her—my girl—
Could you tell her
to come home?

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